22/04/21

Drown me so harshly that I never forget the feeling of helplessness, and let me carry the trauma to validate myself

Moonchild

Drown me in the sorrows of life and the uncertainties of human nature. Let me do my best to escape from whatever demons that claw my heart. Give me trauma and something so evil that I can finally feel like someone, so that I can grow stronger, and so that I can justify the unnamed swirl of emotions that make me want to dissapear.

Dont be fooled, I can clearly recognise the priviledges that I have, and the opportunities some only dream of having. I’m living a life others only imagine can happen in storries and everything around me is perfect. So, if that is the case, why am I feeling like this, why do I carry so much weight of nothingness with me. Why is going through life so difficult when everything is completely fine. I dont understand. I dont undertsand at all.

Sometimes, I wish I were in a movie, I wish that every single action was mapped out for me, and that following routine or some sort of order became natural, and not something that happens once in a blue moon. I dont belive that everything that happens, happens for a reason, becuase at the moment, it just seems like an endless cycle with nothing to be gained apart from self reflection. I hate that I belive in luck and that I can trust it to carry me through this. I dont deserev it whatsoever. I hate that people have good impressiosn of me sometimes, and I hate that every single action always makes me think too much about too many things. And its not even a bad thing, I’ve come to realise that Im smart and self awear- but what to do with that information becomes a puzzle.

I hate being surrounded by nice people sometimes, becuase it makes me realise that others have emotions and that Im not the only perosn in this world that matters. I wish I could see the world from other peoples perspectives, and that I could understand others. What an opportunity would it be to live inside another for a day, to see how differently two people can see the world we live in. I hate that people are nice, and I hate that people wory about me – how am I meant to feel alone then?