“You are afraid of many things, and those things hold you back. Im afraid of success”
https://youtu.be/aehoGGCHkyw : The video that inspired this page
The concept of the fear of success is one that i have only discovered recently. It is quite a difficult thing to grasp, how is one afraid of success? Wont it be easier to say that you are afraid of failure? No. The term “fear of failure” has always seemed empty to me – I could never relate to it because I didn’t understand it and it didn’t fit the issues I was dealing with. The fear of success however, was something that clicked for me when I first heard the term. I am afraid of success. Im afraid that I will become lonely after success.
I have always been a smart child, and Im not saying this because Im selfish or because I see myself at a higher standard than most. That is not the case. I say that because I have ideas, things come to me quickly, my brain works fast in certain situations and I do get bursts of creativity most of the time. In the past I was a straight A student, I always set myself to higher standards than the people around me, and it was easy to do things, and even easier to work in classes and do well on tests. But, I now recognise that as time progressed a lot of people around me held me at a higher standard, and picked me out amongst the ‘smarter people’ of the group – I became progressively lonely becuase of this. I felt that I couldn’t connect with others becuase of the standards they held me at and I was disconnected from social life and from the things that people spoke about because I wasn’t interested in it or it wasn’t intellectually stimulating. After a while of feeling disconnected I started to hold myself back becuase I wanted to integrate more with my friends. I wanted to fit in more with the ‘lesser intellectually strong’ people surrounding me. This was my first mistake.
The entire time, I tried to limit myself, not speaking up anymore in classes, not doing work or taking my education as a joke like everyone else. Others saw the work we were doing as something hard, so I needed to see it as hard to in order to fit in. With time I started seeing this mindset as normal, I didn’t put myself out there and I kept everything to myself. I put things that would make me more likeable before my classwork, like anime, chatting with my friends on WhatsApp and just trying to be a relatable person. I became quiet becuase I had seen how everyone talked about people who were loud with their opinions, and how they talked behind their backs of people who were smart enough to get answers right and discuss with teachers about things that they could only dream of having. But the difference between those people who had a spark and I were our personalities. I was an energetic child, but my voice was childish and my movements were childish and I did not have the perfect body or the sunny, likeable personality other smart people had. When I had ideas before I shouted them out from the top of my lungs, and I smiled too bright when I got answers right, and I chattered too much about things I was passionate about and people found me annoying becuase of that. I was a child, and I was happy because I had gotten an answer right. The people around me were teenagers who grew up to fast but who were the same age as me and called me annoying because I hadn’t grown up yet.
I was stuck in the world we live in because I was innocent and blind to other peoples lives around me. They laughed at me because I didn’t have the experience of the world behind me, because I was innocent and didn’t know about things like sex and how to pose for instagram photos or how to pay attention to my handwriting because other people CARE about what you do. They talked behind my back because I was the only teenager who hadn’t seen the need to grow up yet, and becuase of that I was freer than them, and becuase of them I was forced to grow up too fast and my mental age was not up to where my body was. My mental health declined becuase I cared too much about what other people thought, and to them I didn’t have enough issues. I was too happy. I didn’t hate anyone and I didn’t think bad about anyone. I was a child and the people around me were teenagers who forced me to grow up. I hate that you forced me to grow up. I don’t even know if I like who I became to be. If the person I am now is even me or who I was supposed to be. I don’t like that I changed myself becuase of you, brought myself down becuase of you, and locked up my potential because of you. Now I watch you rise, apparently happy, who knows if that too is a facade.
Success is lonely, it’s even lonelier when you realise how many people strive for the success you have by working hard behind you backs and putting on an air of nonchalance to your face. I becomes lonely when you realise that all their hard work and everything that they strive to be comes too easy to you. You feel like you are cheating at life, and it pains you becuase you know that whatever you gain will not be becuase of hard work, but because that is just who you are. I locked my personality up a few years ago, and my school life spiralled fast – at least I wasn’t lonely tho. I broke down and didn’t bother putting myself together because I am a person and becuase I am a person I deserve to feel pain. It is human to feel pain. It is not human to get over it so quickly. I stewed in my pain becuase others had issues so I needed to have issues too or else I wouldn’t be normal. I brought about so many issues for myself that I ended up hurting others becuase pain is normal and if your life is not fucked up then you are not normal. I don’t remember being a sensitive person, but once you live in pain for so long you end up becoming so accustomed to pain that you start to cry easier, not because that specific thing saddens you, but because it accumulates onto of the already large pile and you are always so close to your limit and you can’t help but break down constantly.
At the moment I have let go of some of this, not all becuase Im scared to find out who I am without any issues, because it’s all become so normal for me. I rarely feel the need to cry any more, and have proven to be calm in stressful situations, i think this is because I’ve pushed my limit so far before that anything I come across now seems insignificant. Ive grown up now – in the worst possible way – but Im older and mature and so fed up with everything most of the time. I’m broken but I’ve grown up, are you satisfied now?
Moonchild Thoughts 